Wedding Traditions

A wedding is the coming together of two families which makes the holiday season travel more complicated for the bride and groom. Weddings are fun events to attend. They usually occur on a weekend and are a great excuse to get family and friends together to consume copious amounts of alcohol and food (According to folklore, Saturday is the unluckiest day to get married. No wonder so many marriages end in divorce. I had no place to put that fact and joke, so I forced it in here [Insert joke about wedding night sex here].). There are some minor tweaks that should be made in order to make it better.

- The bridal party and groomsmen walk-in should be changed to them crab walking in. If they fall then they have to crawl in shame.

- First dance between mom and groom and first dance between father and bride can be chosen from the song selection of: Cotton Eye Joe, Gangnam Style, or YMCA, Electric Slide, or some song which has a dance attached to it.

- First dance between husband and wife should be a song where they grind together in order to show that at one point in their life they were hot and heavy.

- When people write their own vows, every guest thinks, Oh no. Why are they torturing us? Granted in the end it is only not an entire waste of your time, just a minor inconvenience that being a friend or part of the family allows them to take away from you.

- A bride is supposed to stand at the grooms left so his right hand and sword wielding hand is free. I think every groom should have to wear a sword. If the bride gets an expensive dress, then the groom should get a sword.

- The tossing of the bouquet only freaks out the man who is dating the woman who caught it. Also, the theory that women fight over a bouquet is false. What woman wants to put extra pressure on her to get married? The bride should throw a gift card in the air so one person can get some of the money back they spent in order to get to her wedding.

- Giving away the bride dates back to when women were considered property. A man had to pay someone to marry his daughters or siblings. Giving away the bride is the equivalent of, “Here you take this.” We can stop this one or at least reinstate the cash prize.