I Thought I Was Too Old for a Dress Code

A law firm took umbrage with the stereotype of the modern woman as dimwitted, unprofessional, and spacy. In order to fix this problem devastating our culture they sent a memo to all female staffers. Of all the places to develop morals, a law firm, God be damned.  

In this email, there is a section for What Not to Wear. I thought that was something you could only learn on TV. Their advice is to hide cleavage, don’t dress like a mortician, and don’t wear the same outfit as the one in your picture online. Does it really matter if someone looks like the do online? I feel like it is a rare accomplishment to look like your photo. It gets better. Remember to wear a skirt that people won’t be able to see up. This seems like lessons that should not need to be written down.

It also gives stupendous advice about speeches. Choose a podium; it will hide your shaking legs. This is because all women are old summer ladies about to faint. Oh deery me. Make sure you are able to see over the podium. Otherwise that is funny for everyone, but the firm. Write your own introduction. Nope, I am going to call my mom to do that. Be succinct. Get in, Get Out; which sounds more like bad dating advice. Know your audience. You would never want to present proper execution of farming contracts to Coca-Cola.

They firm even goes into details about how to act. Sorry, present when you speak. Choreograph your hands. You do not want to do Jazz Hands when it is time for shrunken thumb. Don’t pace. It would be terrible if you made the people listening pay attention by walking around. Don’t sway. You can’t do that without music anyway.

If using notes or a script. Make sure your speech is sayable and hearable. I am pretty sure one of those is not a word (sayable). Also, isn’t that part of speech? If I speak something was said. If I speak loud enough you can hear it. It is called communication. Then there are contradictions. Slow Down. Speed Up. Make eye contact, but don’t hide behind your hair. Always work through your nerves. Before you present do not drink alcohol. That is only for rockstars , comics, and athletes.

The absolute best section is called Mean Business, which sounds like the title of a terrible movie involving a lawyer. Don’t giggle only cute girls can do that in bars. Don’t squirm but what if there is a big spider. Don’t wave your arms. That should be unless the wave breaks out during your speech. Don’t lean on the podium. The podium is comfortable and made of hard wood. I am looking forward to seeing the memo sent to male workers.