Best Governing Addict

Politicians rarely make the news for doing things the right way. This sparked the demented side of my brain (I am not sure whether that is the right side or the left side) to wonder what addict makes the best governing official. The answer is it depends on the area being governed.

In an area where the best action is no action the alcoholic politician should be in office. In the history of hangovers, no hangover has every produced a positive result excepting taking quality naps. A drunk will also help the liquor industry and provide cheaper booze to the public. Also, the hammered official will drain lobby organizations of money by going to expensive dinners, drink too much on their dime, and promise to give lobbyist things they will never remember.

In an area where the men and women are not pretty, send the sex addict. Nothing positive might get done, but the people will feel better that there is someone in this world willing to share a bed with them. I would love to see the campaign that promises a bed to every constituent.

In an area where a lot of work needs to be done, send the cocaine addict. That addict can’t sleep so you might as well put them to work.

In an area where there are a lot of underprivileged, send the kleptomaniac. He can’t still from them, but he can go to areas nearby and steal for them.

 
The one addiction that we should not allow in office is the gambling addict. If you are going to lose city hall, at least have the decency to sell it.

Fall’s New Name

It is time for Fall to change its name. It is not that Fall is a bad name, but Fall has been mauled by pumpkin. Pumpkin could be the name because it is impossible to go anywhere from September to November and not see something with pumpkin in it. No other season has one item so dedicated to it. But, pumpkin is a terrible name for the season. It has been ruined by movies and TV using it as a cute nickname. The new name is White Girl season. Although this sounds like a pervy Elmer Fudd, Be very very quiet it is White Girl Season, it is the most accurate statement to reflect the season. Who loves to see the leaves change in the fall? White Girls. Who loves pumpkin in anything? White Girls.  Who do we try to make happy with this stuff? White Girls. It is time to sit back and embrace White Girl season. Have a pumpkin beer and if that is not white girl enough drop a shot of Fireball in it.

The Peculiar Cases of Paul Irons: Private Dick

The glass door outside of the office reads, “Private Investigator. Paul Irons, P.I.” Inside behind his mahogany desk is Paul Irons. Paul is a rugged man. He has a perpetual 5 o’clock shadow. He is well built. To round out the stereotype he has an oversized detective’s rain coat in the drabbest color of them all, brown.

Suddenly as if a story were unfolding, there was knock on the door. Paul Irons puts out his cigarette and heads towards the door. He opens it and there is a blonde woman who looks like her shirt is about to pop with heaving breasts the size of cantaloupes. Paul knows what he would like to investigate.

Next Paul questions, why did the doorman not call to let him know that a beautiful woman entered the building? Due to an arrangement Paul has with the doorman he is supposed to inform him of all attractive women entering the building. It gives Paul a chance to hide in case of actually having to attempt to talk to one. Actually, Paul remembers he is late on his monthly payment to the doorman, but that is still rude the doorman knows he is good for it. He invites the damsel in and asks her to take a seat. He believes the woman is a damsel but she could be a dame. The difference is a damsel is in distress and is willing to sleep with you. A dame wants you to work hard with no sexual reward. Usually the project is boring and dangerous. They make for great TV shows.

Her first comment is, “I didn’t know there was a graduate degree for being a PI.”

I informed her that those were my initials. I put them after my name like my doctor, Matt Davidson, and my accountant, Craig Paul Anderson. She seems assured with Paul’s answer. Although, she looks like she is questioning her decision to show up here. If there was a degree in Private Investigating, Mr. Irons would have it. He has studied all the greats, Sherlock Holmes, Inspector Clouseau, and the Hardy Boys. From his studies, he learned the secret to being a good detective which is: making grand leaps and connections, lucking into the right answer, and having easy cases that even a child could solve.

She asks me to find her old Private Investigator, Dick Riddle. This sounds like a troubling project. Why would someone need me to find their old Private Investigator? Usually when a Private Investigator disappears it is for one of three reasons: they are dead, they think the person that hired them is crazy and pretended to disappear, or they time traveled.

The next curious thing is who goes by Dick anymore? I know Dick is a nickname for Richard and that when my grandpa was young it was okay to be called Dick. Nowadays if you hear someone called Dick, it is because they almost drove into you. And that is more of, “Hey, you Dick! I am trying to drive here.” And what Private Investigator would go by Dick don’t they know how corny it is to be a Private Investigator or Private Dick called Dick. The last name of Riddle must be made up. He probably believed he could solve any riddle. Too bad he couldn’t figure out the riddle that this dame is a trouble. This was clearly a fake name created by some hackneyed person trying to be a detective.

Anyway I could bore you with the details of the case like how she hired this detective to find out if her husband was cheating on her then she fell in love with the detective. Suddenly, this dame turns into a damsel. Then she spoke of the crazy things her and Dick Riddle did during stakeouts, and she went quickly back to a dame. No, damsel can be crazy. The mark of a good Private Investigator is knowing which beautiful women are crazy. Hint, if they are in a Private Investigator’s office they are crazy.

I start to ask her about this mysterious Dick Riddle. She goes on to describe the Private Investigator as a normal looking person with no distinguishing facial features. Then, the dame informs me she has bad vision, but thinks glasses make her less attractive so she doesn’t wear them. Also her husband’s face resembles that of a shoe but since he is rich she has figured out a way to live with it. Thankfully she is rich and has a driver chauffeur her around town otherwise this dame would be deadly making her a broad. This dame is the unenviable combination of selfish, shallow, and some other words that begin with an ‘s’ I can’t think of right now. The one distinguishing feature she says he has is his penis is shaped like a corkscrew. It makes for an embarrassing party trick when he opens a bottle of wine. Now, she is starting to be helpful.

Then she informs me of what the Private Investigator found out about her husband and his affair, which he was having with his secretary, his maid, and his fitness trainer. At least he hit all the clichés. I asked her if Dick Riddle provided proof of these affairs or just told her that they were happening. He gave her photos which she gave to me. They were images form a porn movie. All three guys are different. Maybe we are all better off with Riddle not around anymore. Lastly, the dame informs me that her husband has been missing.

I told her that she should go to the police if her husband is missing and that I would look into her missing PI. This is where the story becomes interesting. I am a Private Investigator who can time travel (da na na). Sorry, that is the sound that goes off in my head whenever I hear the word time travel (da na na). If you don’t like it then stop reading my thoughts. 

 Since the case of the missing Dick was in my hand, I figured I would crank this case out. This happened to be the easiest case ever. By being a time travelling detective I have the ability to find anyone. Also, I have the ability to recreate myself. I used to be Dick Riddle. After I met this blind broad I figured I needed to disappear in a hurry so I did. I am glad I ditched that name for Paul Irons. If you are curious to where her husband is he went on a business trip to Europe. He even told her that. In a few days, when she comes back I can tell her that Dick Riddle is lost forever in the ethos of this planet. Things sure are easy for a time traveling Private Investigator.

TV Series in 1 minute: How I Met Your Mother

This show did the best job of hiding copious amounts of sex than any other show. Ted, robin, and barney boinked there way through New York will Marshall and lily did it every in New York. The worst part is that he told his kids all about the voracious amount of sex they had.

The line was drawn with pot though. Ted refused to tell his kids about the amount of weed he smoked, but his children have learned what a sleazeball dear old dad is.

If I was asked to have a video recap of How I Met Your Mother the whole series I would have Marshall and Lily humping the whole time with an occasional break for a baby to appear, and Marshall saying made up words. Barney humping women that pass on a conveyor belt saying awesome and suit up. Robin legs up reciting news stories. Ted thrusting at women moving on a much slower conveyor belt and saying I hope you are my future wife.

Oh the Week That Was 9/22/14 - 9/26/14

People Marched through Manhattan in the “People’s Climate March” in order to reverse global climate change. The march did not affect traffic. It was still terrible. Rallies were also held in London, Paris, Berlin, Tokyo, and Bogata, Columbia (You know your city is not important when the country it is in needs to be mentioned).

Apple sells 10 million iPhones on opening weekend. iPhone cost between $200 and $500. I feel like there is something better we can do with this money. Maybe fix the environment.

iPhone 6 maybe bendable. The iPhone 6 was called the most durable smartphone ever, which is like calling a glass vase the most durable vase ever.

A dog was reported lost in Philadelphia was found in Portland, Oregon. When the dog was asked why he travelled so far she responded, “If I make it back I would be better than Homeward Bound”

The loud music trail is coming back to be tried again. For those of you who do not know, this is a case about a white man shooting a black teen in a SUV in Florida while loud music played. Clearly, the media got the name of this trail right.

The Secret Service is planning on boosting its presence after 2 security incidents in 2 days. One was where a former soldier hopped the fence to warn the president that climate change was needed. The second was a teen from New Jersey who tried to walk into the white house. These two people show two important issues, the need for mental healthcare and the need to fix New Jersey

A NFL linebacker hurt himself celebrating a sack. One person’s mistake is our free joke of the week.

Manhattan is less dense now then in 1910. New York in the 1910s was one giant game of sardines in a can.

49% of Republicans do not want their children to marry a democrat. Democrats are much more welcoming, only 33% don’t want their children to marry a Republican. Many consider this study to be inaccurate because although democrats would accept they will be passive aggressive about it

A report in an effort to legalize the bong said on air “F%$# it, I Quit” Which are probably the most elegant words ever spoken in order to legalize it

China sentenced a professor to life in prison for teaching students “separatism”. In an effort to have unity taught china is giving ice cream to all professors who teach it. The teacher said he was teaching about Human Rights. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have any in his country

University of Michigan is giving away tickets to an upcoming football game if a person buys Coke products. Apparently they are no longer looking for a Michigan man, a Coke man is good enough.

Banks are now launching checkless checking accounts. What’s next a savingless savings account? Wait, that’s an IRA.

The President gave a coffee cup salute to Marines outside of Marine One. I don’t understand the probably he wasn’t saluting he was asking if they wanted one.

India’s Mars Orbiter Mission successfully entered Mars’ orbit. India became the first nation to succeed on first attempt and the first Asian Nation to reach Mars. US’s tech support is getting better.

Emmy Watson’s nude photo threat is a hoax. It turned out to be a viral marketing campaign by Rantic Marketing. They win the award of teaser of most internet pervs. The over/under for amount of time before Rantic gets hacked by internet pervs is set at 12 hours.

48% of Americans believe Climate Change is a major issue. Bigger issues to Americans are ISIS, foreign nuclear programs, and Cheeseburgers

ESPN Suspended one of their employees for a profanity laced tirade about the Commissioner of the NFL. ESPN said the suspension was because the attack lacked evidence. It’s good to know Disney does not care about swearing

Dolphin hunting season is open in Japan. This wins cutes animal hunted award. Take that Bambe

Congress is on track to be the least productive in history. At least Congress will set a record.

A police trooper shot an unarmed man. All I can think is Please let it be a white guy shooting a white guy.

Air strike against ISIS is being led by female. That is the perfect definition of adding insult to injury

Barbra Streisand new No. 1 Album marks the first time someone has had a No. 1 album in the each of the past 6 decades. Maybe her album should have been placed for free on the iPhone.

A 6.2 magnitude earthquake strikes near Anchorage, Alaska. This would have been more newsworthy if it affected people.

The Last Man on Earth

Men believe that the best time to have sex would be when they are one of the last men on earth (for our purposes let’s say you are one of the remaining 5,000 men). The purpose of every man is to now re-populate the earth with men. This sounds ideal, but is it really.

The last man on earth needs may not get all the sex he wants. If a man is sterile then, he will not have sex. This is the prime time for controlled population growth. If you are too dumb or too ugly, then tough luck you cannot help repopulate. What if that man is gay, this would have to be his worst nightmare. He will be force to repopulate the planet. Even if the man is one of the last some women may not what to sleep with him, like lesbians or really beautiful women who have standards. Finally, if you are in a committed relationship and actually love with her, she is now gone. No girl is sticking around after finding out how many places the man stuck it.

Enough with the negatives, this is a great situation for men who are complete losers and could never get a women before this. If a man is in a bad relationship, this is an excuse for a break up. Sorry babe, I have to save the world. It would also be good if the man was 18 or had the libido of an 18 year old. Otherwise, the conveyor belt of sex will get boring. If you think men can never get bored than, these man will have to use the excuse, “This has never happened before” a lot.