Oh the Week That Was 10.27 – 10.31

-Kim Kardashian is releasing a book of selfies. Finally, a picture book that makes the “reader” dumber.

-A woman was busted with $70k in her stomach. Finally, a woman that poops money. Wait, I am hearing that is Kim Kardashian did that first.

-A horse went for water and then got stuck in a swimming pool. The horse wanted to try water polo.

-Dead pigs were dumped into the ocean for scientific research. This is new because that is called dumping.

-Giving children a placebo for a cough rather than doing nothing. This is important information for parents spread the world.

-UPenn has a class where students are required to stare at a computer screen for three hours. The best and brightest

-There is an app to order Taco Bell. Now you can be lazy and drunk

-A mammoth has been found in Idaho. The theory to why the mammoth died is because it was in Idaho.

-A yellow teletubby broke into someone’s house and stole Chinese food

-Jose Canseco almost shoots off his finger. Another win for the Steroid Era

-The UN disagrees with the American embargo on Cuba for the 23^rd year in a row. At least, the UN agrees on something.

-North Korea has a tourist ban in order to prevent the spread of Ebola. A sum total of 10 people had to change their travel plans.

-A new frog species has a croak different from other frogs. I wonder if it makes the same sound as other frogs when you run them over.  It makes a chuck sound which sounds like a catcall for gay men

-Apple CEO Tim Cook is proud to be gay. If he wasn’t he probably wouldn’t have told everyone

-San Francisco Giants won the World Series and the fans lit the streets on fire. San Francisco is flaming.

-A tortoise is sick because it ate a turtle pendant. To be fair he thought it was a chocolate turtle.

-There is a new app Warblr which can differentiate what bird you are looking at based on its chirp. Now people can more accurately yell at the bird waking them up in the morning.

-Gas is cheaper than milk right now. I guess it is time to give the car cereal.

-A College student sunk 4 shots in a row to win $10,000. He had never played basketball before and had a broken finger. Suddenly, basketball seems easy.

-An 8 year old girl wrote a letter to politicians running in her state asking them to not be mean. Innocence is cute.

-Medicare is paying for people’s drugs for 32 days after they die. It is supposed to be 28 days later.

-Google is being fined for their street views showing a woman’s cleavage. Another sued because the camera shows him peeing in his garden. Now, no one eats his tomatoes.

-A man was arrested in India for breaking an 1861 sex law. He was having an adulterous affair with a man. In the US, we call that Pride day.

-3 in flight simulator were killed in a plane crash. I am sorry, but that is ironic.

-School Board in Arizona will edit out abortions in biology textbooks. That will not prevent your teens from getting one.

-The plan for replacing recalled airbags is to disable the airbag. Safety is always the top priority.

-Fireball whiskey has been recalled in Finland, Sweden, and Norway because of too much of a presence of Anti-freeze ingredient. So that’s the warming feeling

 
-A senator had jokes taped during a meeting to quote, “white men who are in male-only clubs are going to do great in my presidency” which is clearly sarcastic, but the white-only man may think she is being serious because who would want to hurt a rich white male. He turned her attention to the Baptist, “They’re the ones who drink and don’t admit it” Not everyone can be as proud of their drinking as college kids and the Irish.

Halloween History

What do we actually know about Halloween? Yes, we know it is a holiday were women dress in attire which we can questionable call clothing. We know Candy is given out to trick or treaters or the dentist gives you sugar free candy which you give to your grandparents or worse the dentist gives you an apple. What do we know about the History of Halloween? Probably next to nothing, so let’s go into the history.

The holiday originated with the Celts (Irish). Not only did the Irish give you the Holiday, but also the whiskey you will down later today. Originally, the Celts moved cattle and livestock to their winter pastures and crops where harvested and stored. It was a harvest holiday marking the beginning of winter. Bobbing for apples (which determined who would get married next) and carving of fruits and vegetables started during this harvest celebration. This sounds unimportant, but is dressing up a dog important. No, but that doesn’t stop American’s from spending $350 million dressing up their dogs. Why dress up as a dog? A dog is a costume for a bunch of people except a dog actually looks like a dog.

Anyway, the Celts named the day Samhain (pronounced Sah-ween) because they knew it would be changed to something easy to pronounce. It was a day where the souls of those who died that year wandered the earth in order to get to the afterlife. The Celts left out sacrifices of animals, fruits, and vegetables (some souls are vegetarian). In addition, in order to go out at night people dressed up so the ghosts would not know they weren’t a ghost. How dumb did they think ghosts were? This reeks of a polish like joke. How many Irish does it take to trick a ghost?

The Catholic Church came to the Emerald Isle and things began to change. They changed the name to All Saints Day or All Hallows. The day before became All Hallows Eve was eventually dumbed down to Halloween. The Catholics decided based on the guidance of Pope Gregory that instead of denouncing a lands traditions change them to make them Catholic. Don’t worry, the church did less moral things in the 20^th century. The Catholic Church decided to tell people that there old Priest, Druids (whose activities included poetry, science, and scholastics), were evil. The sure sound evil. How dare they educate? Only when you are dumb are you corruptible. The Irish believed them and Celtic deities diminished in status and became fairies or leprechauns (now you know why you should not steal lucky Charms, you are stealing from a god). These creatures were deemed evil. I wonder if breathing was once evil for the Catholic Church. Eventually, people began dressing like the evil creatures performing antics in exchange for food and drink (It’s Ireland it was drink).

If you are American, then you are wondering why do I come into play? Halloween didn’t make its way to America until the Irish and Scottish made it to the States. Random note: The Pumpkin which we hold in such a high standard is actually a native of Mexico. You see what happens when we open up the border.  

Belligerent Sports Jock: No More Baseball

The baseball season is over. It ended the way it is supposed to with a World Series Champion. The egos on those guys; one team plays outside the US and it’s the World Series. At least the NFL goes to Europe. Baseball is the sport of the summer. It is a sport where you can get a tan and embrace professional athletes do things few humans on the planet can do, grab their crotch and spit tobacco with accuracy at the same time. The players are the boys of summer yet it is almost October when everything is over. People are not watching this sport because you can watch it any day from April to October and so there is no urgency and why do something today that you can tomorrow or never.

Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants for winning. I wish I could have been there to see Madison Bumgarner chug a 30 pack of Bud Lite. He is a team of one for a case race. Madison Bumgarner should be everyman’s hero. He pitched 1/3 of the innings for his team and won a World Series title and bought his wife a cow for her birthday. I wish I could buy someone a cow for their birthday bought all my friends and family are Yuppies. Also, how do you gift wrap a cow.

 
All joking aside this is a sad day for me. It means my favorite sport televised every day is Hockey and no one likes Hockey so I am going to have to talk to myself. I look forward to Spring Training because I live in the Northern part of the country and when spring training games start that means no more snow. Unless you live in Colorado or Minnesota and have had you season opener cancelled due to snow. Oh Baseball, I love you, but you are so dumb. Enjoy the postseason.

Places to Dress Appropriately

In life there are many situations where you cannot wear the clothes you want, sweat pants and T shirt. If you showed up to work wearing that you would be fired or worse lectured. Here are some more situations where dressing nice may or may not matter.

Flower Shop: Do not dress properly all they will think is, “That poor girl is with this slob. At least, she is getting flowers.”

Church: If God sees you no matter what you do, then he has already seen you in your pajamas; so wear them to church.

Doctor: A doctor sees you when you are at your worst physically, but you have to make sure you do not dress like a complete slob even though you look like one. Unless they tell you to wear the gown which is the ugliest gown I have ever seen. Cinderella, the poor Cinderella would not wear that.

Dinner: In no situation in life should you look worse than the people who are serving your food or at least that’s what an elitist told me. The server has to know you are better than them.

Funeral: The person is dead I feel like they would care more if they were alive. If they were reincarnated then they cannot haunt me. That is sound enough logic for me to not want to wear a suit.

 
Wedding: If I look terrible the bride would look even better by comparison which is why everyone at my wedding will be asked to where jorts.

Belligerent Sports Jock: Mascots

I am not sure if there is a more useless thing in sports than a mascot. A mascot’s job is to get the crowd more excited which can also be done with cheerleaders or a graphic on the big screen. A mascot’s other job is to give away free stuff which can be done by anyone else. Why not have the company giving the stuff away be the people throwing free stuff, that if it injures you, you cannot sue and are stupid.

I hope mascots tell their kids about the big games. I imagine it goes like this:

Dad: You see that person dressed as a tiger on the screen. That guy in there is me. I played the largest role that day. I kept the crowd entertained. I won the breakdance battle. Whenever the player scored I patted him on the butt. Sorry, it is really hard to not tear up when I talk about this win.

Child: Dad, your team lost the game by 35.

 
Dad: Yeah, but I was on my game. I don’t care that the players didn’t win. My and the cheerleaders played our best. You see that cheerleader that kind of has a baby bump. That’s your mom.