-Tom Hanks has a book deal to write short stories with some
stories about his collection of typewriters. Tom those who can’t act write.
Those that write about typewriters are dead.
-A guy parks his plane outside of a bar in order to get a drink.
Sometimes you need to cure the shakes.
-A man dressed as a Fox News reporter was attacked on
Halloween. The attacker said he was trying to beat the lies out of him.
-France is mystified about drones buzzing its nuclear sites.
They originally thought it was performance art.
-Pastors are not allowed to name preferences in political
otherwise they will be taxed. Pastors response, ‘Good luck taxing me, I will
curse your soul.’ IRS’s response, ‘Good luck finding my soul.’
-A drunken IRS employee tried to bribe police officers, but
he forgot to tell them where to report Bribe income.
-Corpse are being dug up and sold in China. Proving once and
for all the Chinese can cook anything.
-Iran jailed a woman for going to a volleyball game. Although
this is a terrible act of immoral behavior, jail is more interesting.
-The Common Core for Math is so challenging parents are going
back to elementary school to learn it. I thought there was nothing worse than
going through puberty while in school.
-Election Day has begun and already 2 states have had issues
with voting. Connecticut and Georgia you are outstanding example of
why we need voter fraud.
-There are 800 million malnourished people in the world and
2.1 billion overweight people. We have fat people to spare, which will be good
if we every have to resort to cannibalism.
-Tinder will allow you to undo a mistaken swipe, but you have
to pay for it making it more like real life regret.
-Alberto Giacometti’s sculpture of a chariot sold for $101
million. You can’t even ride it.
-Midterm elections had about 1/3 of the population vote
further proving they got the 3/5ths compromise wrong.
-Women associate funny men with being more intelligent and
better providers. Move over ripped and handsome, I am taking your woman, but
you can still beat me up.
-A toddler had an allergic reaction to Oranges, the first ever
recorded case. Next major thing to be allergic to is my jokes. It would make
for great publicity.
-Roger Freeman is about to be elected to a second term in the
state office, except he died last week. Ladies and gentlemen, my I present our
first zombie ruler.
-A new study proves no one wants to hear about your vacation.
Who wants to know that their life sucks?
-A man saw his DWI test results printing out so he tried to
eat it before it could be read. He said he didn’t have a dog present.
-A person died while taking a selfie on a bridge. It
officially makes selfies the second most deadly picture behind Christmas family
photo.
-Protest in Brussels over Belgian Austerity Measures.
European Protests look a lot like the US celebrating a sports victory.
-A woman was not allowed an interview as a teacher because she is Irish and assumed to be a drunk in South Korea. This coming from the country that drinks twice as much liquor as Russia.
-World’s top rated whiskey is from Japan, Yamazaki Single Malt Sherry Cask. US took the 2nd place spot. Apparently, whiskey is like an Olympic diving competition (This is my first and only joke geared exclusively for women ages 30 -60 who are the only people who watch Olympic Diving).
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