Oh the Week That Was 11.17 – 11.21

In the voice of a crotchety old local newscaster trying to get fired, but knowing no one would take his job (why change the format? Because … stop asking questions)

- Chocolate is being consumed at a rate higher than it can be produced. Kill my fat wife and her fat friends and problem solved.

- 7 companies pay more to their CEOs than they do in taxes. Those CEOs also pay more to their ex-wives than they do in taxes.

- Airbus, Boeing except not American, applied for a patent for a plane with a bagel like hole in the middle of the plane. It has a hole like a life preserver if you are in the ocean.

- A 5 year old passed a Microsoft Certified Professional Exam. Don’t worry folks he was not an American so you can continue to feel secure about your idiocy.

- Facebook is planning an at-work version also known as linked in or being late to that party.

- Facebook has banned political campaigns on its website. You can ban an old white man from everything except a golf course and a brothel.

- Japan has entered a recession. No one cares because it is not Godzilla.

- A LA School blamed a girl for having sex with teacher in court and the school won. Further proving why  there is a pitchfork factory in hell.

- Sunscreen may be tied to infertility in men. My advice is lather that stuff on as thick as you can especially on your crouch, otherwise you might have my job.

- Charles Manson is now married to a 26 year old woman who goes by the name Star. He is not a starf*&^#$ because Manson is not allowed conjugal visits.

- A bull elephant did better than King Kong and abducted 2 women.

- Pigs are too fat to be made into spiral cut hams. There is no such thing as too fat in America.

- Buffalo Bills are giving away tickets to their upcoming football game if you help shovel the snow in their stadium. Don’t worry that is a hoax they are now playing a home game in Detriot. Why? Because the players felt too safe and needed a shot in the arm.

- Utah is trying to execute prisoners with firing squads. Bullets are probably cheaper than lethal injection.

- Texting puts 60 pounds of weight on your neck. Since this story is not in text form it will cure no one of neck problems.

- Nancy Pelosi did not let a pregnant rep vote. Congrats Nancy, you have finally given old white curmudgeons a reason to like you. If you are under thirty, a curmudgeon is a whiny old man, think grandpa complaining about the olden days.

- A guy tried to steal a car with a detective in it. Idiot

- A woman tried to burn down her ex’s house by cooking bacon on the stove top. He was very upset with how badly she burnt the bacon.

- A teacher gave a pop quiz and when students started talking he pulled out a knife. I wish my kids were at that school maybe their grades wouldn’t have been so horrific or our laundry bill would have gone up either way would have been better for my life.

- Diners at a restaurant asked the waitress for a recommendation for a decent bottle of wine and she brought out a $3,750 bottle. Remind me not to ask the waitress for a decent hooker.

- A 100 year old woman sees the ocean for the first time. There is the fluffy news story to make old people feel better.

- Heavy Drinkers are rarely alcoholics, they can quit whenever they want to. Someone tell my wife so she will quit nagging me (Takes a swing of whiskey). Now that’s the cheap stuff.

That’s all for today, and try to not die because over 80 is the only demographic I have.