Oh the Week That Was 11.24 - 11.30

In the voice of the beautiful ditsy female replacement to the bitter old man serves his required suspension.

- Katy Perry calls out a paparazzo for having a tiny penis when he took photos of her on a nude beach in Australia. That is not very nice Katy, tiny penis have inadequacy issues. Also, Katy Perry will perform at the next super bowl. I can’t wait to hear her roar.

- Queen Elsa merchandise is more sought after than Barbie. A Frozen Sequel is in the works. I can wait to wear my Elsa costume during the next news segment. 

- A midtown NYC Wax Salon is rolling out a Vaginal Facial. Finally something uplifting for the downstairs.

- Students walked out of class in support of fellow classmates were raped by a student at the school. You go girls.

- The FDA is requiring chain restaurants and movie theaters to disclose calorie count. That will make Calorie counting easier.

- Underwater bot found surprisingly thick ice about 65 feet of ice when it was expecting at most 16 feet. That's really thick.

- An Ancient Canyon was discovered in Tibet. What’s a canyon?

- A town decided to get rid of the ugly Christmas tree in the town square. Good job town no one should have to suffer through an ugly Christmas, unless it’s a sweater. There is a lot of money to be made in ugly Christmas sweaters. My granny is now a very rich lady.

- A naked man fell through a ceiling and into a women’s bathroom. It’s raining man, watch your head.

- Seals were told to go to their room after being caught fooling around with penguins, those poor tiny butlers.

- People are opposed to name a park after Winnie the Pooh because of his unknown gender. Pooh is so nice and cuddly they should do it anyway.

- Cinnabon expects people to eat 7.3 million calories of their food per hour at airports. Gross.

- Walmart spent $2 million fighting a $7,000 fine. That’s silly.

- Coca-Cola is entering the Milk market. I can’t wait for my Coke Milk. Wait, I can’t say that because it might be the street name for a drug.

- A new ancient Roman god was discovered. He is a bearded man standing in a plant or it is a portrait of Jesus.

- A 17 year old girl was arrested and being accused of running a Prostitution Ring. There the man goes arresting a girl with entrepreneurial spirit.

- In order to drink water, Cats gently place their tongues on the surface of their water bowl. Dogs smash their tongues through the water surface of their bowl making a mess. My purse dog, Toto drinks like cute kitty.

- A man was stabbed by for eating Thanksgiving dinner early. That was not nice mom.

- Breaking news: I will become the new weather anchor. On snowy days, I will be wearing my Elsa costume.

Thanksgiving Facts (Or: How I Learned to Not Care and Love the Turkey)

The first Thanksgiving was a celebration of a good harvest or a meeting in order to have a military alliance which occurred in 1621 between the Plymouth Colonists and Wampanoag Indians. Good news: we have no idea why it occurred. We do know there was a feast and it was a long feast, about 3 days. Rather than a feast, it sounds a lot more like a summit of gradually increasing roundness. Scholars do know the winter before was fiercely cold and deadly for the Colonist.  The following spring, Natives thought the Plymouth Settlers how to work the land to survive. To make matters more confusing, the actual first Thanksgiving or harvest festival may have occurred in 1565 in St. Augustine, Florida by the Spanish or 1619 in Virginia by English settlers. Since we have no idea what was consumed at the other possible Thanksgivings, we should stick to the Plymouth one.

How did Thanksgiving become a holiday? That is easy. Abraham Lincoln made the last Thursday in November as national holiday during the Civil War. Something good had to come out of the Civil War. I know free slaves, but Thanksgiving brings people together not split the nation into bigots, liars, and cheats and that was just the North. A few decades later, FDR moved it one week earlier to boost Christmas Shopping (Soon Thanksgiving and Halloween will be the same holiday, the actually first Thanksgiving was around the Harvest or Halloween time which would make the Holiday more accurate, but this is America and the truth has never stopped us before).

Why are there Parades? I have no idea, probably tradition which is the same reason we watch football every Thanksgiving. Parades have become a common occurrence with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade being the most famous. A gluttonous holiday with a commercial backbone, can this holiday get more American? Yes America’s greatest political invention Lobbying (In other countries it is known as bribery) is the reason turkey is dinner. The main course at the first Thanksgiving was venison. So go out and harpoon a deer if you want to be traditional. No one is sure whether or not turkey was even eaten at the first Thanksgiving. It is starting to sound like we have no idea what a traditional Thanksgiving should be.

The biggest controversy about Thanksgiving is the fact that relationships between Natives and Settlers resulted in the death of millions. Some people celebrate a “National Day of Mourning” atop of Cole’s Hill. It should be noted, the Plymouth settlers were not violent towards the Natives because they owed their lives to them, at least the first generation was friendly. The settlers who came after were brutal murders. American history a love story of manslaughter (Revolutionary War, Civil War, …). To be fair most of the important moments of history are about death (WWI, WWII, Vietnam War, …). If people start killing each other it will be in the History books. Make love not war unless you want to be remembered.

Natives believe that Thanksgiving is an abomination to celebrate. Consumers believe it is the start of shopping season. The Government thinks it is a day off. Families think of it as a day to be lazy and fat. I have no idea what it is supposed to be about so I am going to eat my turkey and shut my mouth.

The Lumbersexual and the Death of Flannel

People have taken the manliest thing a lumberjack and have no turned him into a rugged sexual icon. How dare they turn the beloved lumberjack into a ken doll? A person that dresses in flannel with a beard is now a lumbersexual which sounds like a man who is strangely aroused by lumber. Now if I burn a flannel at an anti-logging protest (I do not even know if that exists), I am a flaming lumbersexual. A disheveled beard and flannel clothing does the same thing; it provides warmth not a statement about sexuality. The Bounty Man does not have enough paper towels to soak up his tears from this new revelation. Looking like a mess is not a choice (at least a good choice) it is the result of hard labor. Good thing the holidays are coming up because you can now ask for a new wardrobe since all the flannels are gone. The other option is shave the bear, but only a fool would do something that terrible.

2 Parties

This is always a tough decision which party do you go to? Easy answer is both because it is one of the few times you are popular. But, when there are 2 parties in different areas you can only chose to be a part of one. They both have positive attributes (alcohol), but they both have their downside (people); and only a loser stays home alone and drinks (lies). By now you know, I am talking about American Politics (the winner is the voter that stays home alone and gets drunk watching CNN). There are 2 Parties, Democrats and Republicans, and they both suck. I can be in support of healthcare, but I have to be in support of baby killing (a.k.a. an abortion). I can be for a fiscally conservative country, but I have to be in support of allowing babies to shoot guns (a.k.a. no gun control or death). This is a battle of asses (donkeys/Democrats) versus larger asses (Elephants/Republicans).

How can we fix this terrible two party system? We mandate that 3 parties must get 10% of the vote otherwise the election results do not count. Since that will never happen (These parties are like annoying drunk girls demanding attention whatever you do, do not add more drunk girls), how about we use all the technology we have and politicians poll their constituents in order to actually represent the people and not their party. This will not work until there are people younger than 60 in the senate, or they use one of the many interns to do something productive like learn how to use survey monkey instead of how to wheel a spanking paddle.

The United States is supposed to be the ideal place to live, yet our political system is so messed up they sound more like a couple which has been married too long and should be divorced, “You are wrong.” “How can you say such a thing? You do not even now the issue we are arguing about.” “Well, I hate you and that is a good enough reason to hate your opinion.” This is quickly followed by the song, “Drink drink drink”. It is like the old (old because an old man told me it) saying, “When your system is politically oppressive do like the Russians.”

Oh the Week That Was 11.17 – 11.21

In the voice of a crotchety old local newscaster trying to get fired, but knowing no one would take his job (why change the format? Because … stop asking questions)

- Chocolate is being consumed at a rate higher than it can be produced. Kill my fat wife and her fat friends and problem solved.

- 7 companies pay more to their CEOs than they do in taxes. Those CEOs also pay more to their ex-wives than they do in taxes.

- Airbus, Boeing except not American, applied for a patent for a plane with a bagel like hole in the middle of the plane. It has a hole like a life preserver if you are in the ocean.

- A 5 year old passed a Microsoft Certified Professional Exam. Don’t worry folks he was not an American so you can continue to feel secure about your idiocy.

- Facebook is planning an at-work version also known as linked in or being late to that party.

- Facebook has banned political campaigns on its website. You can ban an old white man from everything except a golf course and a brothel.

- Japan has entered a recession. No one cares because it is not Godzilla.

- A LA School blamed a girl for having sex with teacher in court and the school won. Further proving why  there is a pitchfork factory in hell.

- Sunscreen may be tied to infertility in men. My advice is lather that stuff on as thick as you can especially on your crouch, otherwise you might have my job.

- Charles Manson is now married to a 26 year old woman who goes by the name Star. He is not a starf*&^#$ because Manson is not allowed conjugal visits.

- A bull elephant did better than King Kong and abducted 2 women.

- Pigs are too fat to be made into spiral cut hams. There is no such thing as too fat in America.

- Buffalo Bills are giving away tickets to their upcoming football game if you help shovel the snow in their stadium. Don’t worry that is a hoax they are now playing a home game in Detriot. Why? Because the players felt too safe and needed a shot in the arm.

- Utah is trying to execute prisoners with firing squads. Bullets are probably cheaper than lethal injection.

- Texting puts 60 pounds of weight on your neck. Since this story is not in text form it will cure no one of neck problems.

- Nancy Pelosi did not let a pregnant rep vote. Congrats Nancy, you have finally given old white curmudgeons a reason to like you. If you are under thirty, a curmudgeon is a whiny old man, think grandpa complaining about the olden days.

- A guy tried to steal a car with a detective in it. Idiot

- A woman tried to burn down her ex’s house by cooking bacon on the stove top. He was very upset with how badly she burnt the bacon.

- A teacher gave a pop quiz and when students started talking he pulled out a knife. I wish my kids were at that school maybe their grades wouldn’t have been so horrific or our laundry bill would have gone up either way would have been better for my life.

- Diners at a restaurant asked the waitress for a recommendation for a decent bottle of wine and she brought out a $3,750 bottle. Remind me not to ask the waitress for a decent hooker.

- A 100 year old woman sees the ocean for the first time. There is the fluffy news story to make old people feel better.

- Heavy Drinkers are rarely alcoholics, they can quit whenever they want to. Someone tell my wife so she will quit nagging me (Takes a swing of whiskey). Now that’s the cheap stuff.

That’s all for today, and try to not die because over 80 is the only demographic I have.