To whom this may concern,
If you want to see Little Timmy kidnapped provide me with
$50,000. From my ample research, you need me to kidnap Little Timmy. He is a
jerk and has no friends. If he had a good kidnapping story, then he may be able
to make friends. I need the money in order to buy a white van and then leave it
in some random lake after I have kidnapped the brat. I also will need to be
able to keep him alive until your next installment is due. Since, I was
recently evicted from my place I will need to find a place to with the proper
surroundings to keep him captive. Little Timmy is such a monster to you, his
parents, that you should want me to kidnap him in order to teach him some
manners. Your child is a terror and needs this to happen to him. Consider this
a vacation where you can pretend you do not have a child. So, send me $50,000
and I will provide you with a no travel vacation child free. Look forward to doing business with you.
Love,
Guy with creepy mustache who is not a hipster always
carrying a newspaper
To whom this may concern,
Please pay me $30,000 in order for me to buy a camera and
take pictures of you sleeping with your assistant. I will then show you these
pictures and you will pay me $70,000 or your next best offer. I will accept no
less than $30,000. Okay, $15,000.
Best Regards,
That dude in a trench coat 
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