Christmas Grump

Now that it is officially the Christmas season, everyone’s Christmas grump can enter. The Christmas Grump is the part of you that finds Christmas lights shiny and stupid, making Christmas lights the equivalent of a new cell phone with a crack. The part of you that hates buying gifts for a person that doesn’t want a gift bought for them; the person that you are pretty sure could exist in the world with tarp for a roof and a sleeping bag and be happier than you. That bastard, how dare he/she not covet the material world. Or worse, buying a gift for someone who says the gift doesn’t matter, but if you buy them a bad gift they are mad at you. This person is the worst because they also won’t tell you what they want, but they want something and expect you to guess. Guess what? Your gift is cash because you have been dishonest and that’s the only thing that fits dishonesty.

The Christmas Grump is the part of you that finds Christmas to be the greatest hypocrisy on earth; it is about goodwill towards man and peace on earth. In actuality, it is about running over people with shopping carts. The Christmas Grump is allowed to start to come out little by little up until the 24^th. The second the 24^th happens, the Christmas Grump must die because it is time to start seeing family. Once family enters the picture it is about fake smiles and alcohol (something that makes fake smiles a lot harder, hence why kids are terrible at fake smiles). The Christmas Grump served its purpose of bringing the cynic out of you and having people call you a Grinch (Thanks Dr. Seuss, another word for people to insult the Grump with). The Christmas Grump will be back in less than a year wondering why there are Christmas decorations on sale next to the Halloween Candy.

Other possible titles which I could have used, but might have had companies saying they own it. Christmas Grinch (mentioned above) or Christmas Grouch (That blasted PBS). Other titles which would have feigned the literary device known as alliteration, Christmas Curmudgeon (Sounds like an old man who went crazy and took a baseball bat to the neighbors Santa Claus) or Christmas Crank (This one is just bad)