Oh the Week that Was 12.1 - 12.5

This week we introduce our floundering Late Night talk show host’s best attempt to make you laugh.

- Ladies and Gentlemen thank you for attending we have a great show tonight if you can only sit through the monologue.

- The cities that claim the least attractive people are Detroit, Memphis, Philadelphia, Oklahoma City, and Orlando. Orlando is not surprising, why would you live in a place with a mouse problem?

- Jennifer Lawrence is becoming a singing star thanks to the song she sung in a Hunger Games movie. What is next for her? Porn Star

- The world’s worst Nazi is dead. Now, who are we supposed to hate?

- An 84 year old man’s date with twin teens ended poorly. How poorly? They robbed him. The fact was the joke. I need a new warm up comic.

- Scooters send kids to the ER every 3 minutes. There should be a warning: Not a toy for a dumb kid.

- Rubber blocks are washing ashore in Western Europe. The timing couldn’t be better with those Toys for Tots boxes around

- Now that half our audience is asleep, it is time to scare all parents. 55% of all infants sleep in an unsafe position. To really scare you we won’t tell you what a safe position is … because we do not know.

- The Russian’s used Picasso to bribe a FIFA official into giving them the World Cup. I am not sure how that worked since he is dead.

- 100 human brains have gone missing from a university. That university has lost a lot of brain power.

- The next James Bond film will be named Spectre. Spectre I barely know her.

- Postal workers took packages containing pot and set up their own distribution ring. Not even the munchies stop the postal service.

- A bomb joke at an airport cost a man $89,000.  I wonder what a dad joke would cost.

- China will stop using organs from executed prisoners for transplants. The decision followed Chinese leaders watching The Simpsons Tree House of Horrors.

- The CIA has been fact checking Katherine Heigl’s show. Finally, a fitting assignment for the government

- I bet you can’t wait for tonight’s guests. Don’t worry, it’s not Katherine Heigl. If it was this show would be watchable.

- A man feeds homeless with Olive Garden’s never ending pasta pass. The homeless would have preferred soup and salad.

- A Lost Walt Whitman poem was found in an 1842 paper. It was only okay.

- A charity’s free eye surgery leaves 24 blind. Next giveaway from the charity is echolocation lessons.

- A woman was fired because of her excessive bathroom breaks when pregnant. I know which child is not the favorite.

- A woman fends of attacker by vomiting on the attacker. It must be easy to pick out the attacker.

- Thank you, I have been adequate and have a great night.