#When_in_Crimea

I am taking a huge assumption that the people in Crimea are not able to voice their opinion via social networks. Therefore, I have taken it on myself to write tweets that would have been written by people in Crimea by taking the When in Rome phrase and making it #When_in_Crimea

Where does cease-fire and bust a cap mean the same thing #When_in_Crimea

Most common thought: I wish I wasn't rusty on my Russian #When_in_Crimea #How_do_you_say_Surrender_in_Russian

The national pastime is changing languages #When_in_Crimea

Please don't assassinate me #When_in_Crimea #When_in_Russia

Wishing I lived in Siberia #When_in_Crimea

Wish their was a vaccine that removed foreign military #When_in_Crimea

In Soviet Russia Military oppress you #When_in_Crimea

Russian is invading in order to have more beachfront property #When_in_Crimea

When questioning your nationality is more important than questioning your sexuality #When_in_Crimea

Children’s favorite game is duck duck duck #When_in_Crimea

Is that a shooting star or a bomb #When_in_Crimea

Bugs Bunny is getting stoned in Utah

A DEA agent warns Utah if it passes medical marijuana there could be stoned rabbits. This sounds like a great unattended consequence. The stoned wildlife may eat the reefer so there could be loss of product and lose fear of humans which means it will easier to make rabbit stew (the weed makes them pre-seasoned). This agent’s colleagues confiscated a retiree’s garden of okra plants. They were once again afraid of good soups being made. The DEA should tell states that growing a drug could have negative repercussions. They should name actually repercussions when they do this. The DEA is the warning label for pot. There is a warning label on alcohol. There is a warning label on cigarettes. There is a warning against pot. It is the law. Telling law makers to not change the law is like telling a baby do not poop. The will do it anyway and someone will clean it up later. If a rabbit was there he/she would have been stressed out knowing it was the reason that pot should be illegal. I hope that there was at least one state representative who when he heard about rabbits eating pot he/she unrolled his joint and gave the little guy a taste, so that the rabbit could chill out.

Suck This: The True Tale of an American Binky

My tale is a very different tale. Actually it is the same tale, a tale of monotony. Life as a binky is not that hard, but you also cannot be soft. No one wants a flaccid binky. I need to be sturdy yet soft so that the baby can suck and suck and suck. How I hate the sucking. The sucking is not the worst. The teeth oh the teeth they hurt and scratch. It is like getting into a bar fight with a drunk cat. That is how most of my days are spent. I also fall a lot. Mainly, I fall out of a mouth or the dark canyon. I remember the first time I was about to be put into the mouth. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. Why? Why was I heading towards that? I wish I could have wet myself. Instead, I was placed inside the warmest and most wet place I have ever been in my life. It was glorious. The only thing better is that amazing warm bath I get every night. I get soaped up beautifully and then rinsed off. The only down thing is the constant falling. The carpet hurts less, but I get covered in dust and then I am shunned for the rest of the day. If I fall on tile it is a brush off the shirt and popped right back in. Those are great days. No life is better than the life of a binky.

Weather and Traffic: A Marriage Christened by the Devil

There is nothing better than being in a location where they are only use to sunshine and all of a sudden there is a rainstorm or snowstorm. It is like watching Aliens that have just landed on the planet seeing precipitation for the first time. They stare into the sky and they are mesmerized by it, then afraid of it, and then they cause a massive accident. Now your easy commute becomes and a long arduous trip. If only they knew what it was before then maybe you could have made it to work before hating yourself.  The worst is those sardonic jerks on the radio giving the report. Weaving in the dumb line of, “I am glad I made it to work already.” I re-route myself to their office and smack that jerk across the face. One day I would like to leave a permanent hand print so the next time that jerk says, “That reminds of the day someone smacked me in the face and sent me to radio.” That day I will smile and so should you because I would have done the lord’s work, especially if that jerk turned the other cheek.

Thank You Larry Wilmore

There is a new show on television that is actually exploring important topics in an insightful way and that show is The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore. Larry Wilmore is providing a show that actually talks about the issues. He sets up the topic, talks about it, and then has a panel. It is wonderful to see a person use the panel to show the sides and not to bombastically argue their own side (which is what typically occurs). He asks his guest to Keep it 100 and he does the same thing. I know this writing isn’t funny, but that is why it is short. Take the extra time that you would have spent reading this and laughing and instead watch a clip from The Nightly Show and let him make you laugh and learn

Bad Ransom Letters

To whom this may concern,

If you want to see Little Timmy kidnapped provide me with $50,000. From my ample research, you need me to kidnap Little Timmy. He is a jerk and has no friends. If he had a good kidnapping story, then he may be able to make friends. I need the money in order to buy a white van and then leave it in some random lake after I have kidnapped the brat. I also will need to be able to keep him alive until your next installment is due. Since, I was recently evicted from my place I will need to find a place to with the proper surroundings to keep him captive. Little Timmy is such a monster to you, his parents, that you should want me to kidnap him in order to teach him some manners. Your child is a terror and needs this to happen to him. Consider this a vacation where you can pretend you do not have a child. So, send me $50,000 and I will provide you with a no travel vacation child free. Look forward to doing business with you.

Love,

Guy with creepy mustache who is not a hipster always carrying a newspaper

To whom this may concern,

Please pay me $30,000 in order for me to buy a camera and take pictures of you sleeping with your assistant. I will then show you these pictures and you will pay me $70,000 or your next best offer. I will accept no less than $30,000. Okay, $15,000.

Best Regards,

That dude in a trench coat