Beer: An alcoholic’s Love

Inspired by Jim Gaffigan’s book “Food: A Love Story”, I decided to take a more adult twist and write a disturbed note to beer.

 
Oh beer, I will drink you cold. I will drink you warm. I will even drink you stale, even though by that point it is worse than drinking pee. I will drink you when you are light and provide no alcohol to my body. I would be better off drinking a juice box. I will drink you when you are pale. I will drink you when you are dark. I am not a beer racist. I will drink you while I pour out a bottle of wine. I will add whiskey for a good boiler maker. Why a boiler maker I will never know. I call it a kiss of whiskey; I will tongue you so fondly. I will drink you as a lager. I will drink you as an ale. Just get down my throat. I will drink you in Europe. I will drink you in America. I will drink whenever I can. You can never hide. I am your deranged stalker fan. I will find you. I will drink you when I shouldn’t. When I pray to the porcelain god, I feel like I am cheating on my true god, beer. Oh beer, you are the greatest wingman. I can never repay you just drink you and that I shall do until a doctor says my liver must go because it is more porous than a sponge. That day I will cry because of the pain in my head.  Until that day, I will coddle you like a child of progressive parents.

Laughs in a Pinch

In order to save the day you need to make someone laugh, here are some quick tricks that may work:

Tickle them – giggling counts as a laugh. Of course this could be awkward if you are trying to make a bouncer laugh to get into a club.

Quote a funny movie – I would say book, but who reads

Play a youtube video

Fall down – if that doesn’t work fall down harder and on your crotch

Opposite – whatever the person expects to hear say or do the opposite. If the person is expecting you to say I would like a bag of jelly beans instead smack them with a bag of jelly beans

Exaggerate – use the most extreme example possible. This is dryer than a Middle Eastern desert without executions.

Obvious – say the most obvious thing in the most roundabout way. I understand what you are trying to ask, but I am not sure what the true root of the question is. I know I do not need to know the root to answer. In summation, I appreciate you asking me this important question and I answer, yes, I would like to eat Taco Bell

Talk like a … baby, it is cute endearing and works well for poop jokes; talk show host, if Jay Leno could succeed so can you; person with a funny accent, you will accidental say something funny or offend someone either way that sounds like a win

The truffle shuffle – only if you are chunky. Don’t know what the truffle shuffle is then try our next one

Get naked and run around funny – if you are a big guy this is funny. If you are overly lankly then this is the funniest thing you can do in life.

The Man, the Myth, the Legend

The man, the myth, the legend is a simple story about one man, contrary to what T-shirts say. The man’s name is Dave. The myth is he invented fire. The legend is he invented scented candles. Only one of those is true. He invented scented candles. He told women his name was Dave even though it was David. The name David seemed too formal. On the myth that he invented fire, David only talked about it when he was drunk. David said, “Uh-huh.” David invented scented candles by accident. David produced a pungent odor when at home. This cost him the ability to score on more than one occasion, he always performs an exit interview to find out what he could improve on. Cleaning himself or his place were not appealing options, so he turned his attention to masking the smell with something women liked. He turned to things women liked and landed on candles. The legend gets pretty boring so let’s skip to the end. He would light candles before dates, blow them out before leaving for dates, and then light them once he returned with dates. It was a resounding success. He found that out during the exit interviews. There is the story of the man, the myth, the legend or Dave the candlestick maker.

Making Funny Words Unfunny

This is a comedic lesson because learning doesn’t take weekends off (a.k.a. homework, oddly enough this looks like a definition list)

Sophomoric – immature, dumb, or lowest common denominator funny (boobs make me giggle)
 
Juvenile – poop jokes, raspberries, anything related to butt (haha butt stuff)
 
Pranks - mean tricks that are videotaped so they are funny (Bart Simpson)
 
Physical Humor – jokes involving a person falling with comedic timing (SNL – Chris Farley) or a person being hit in one of the funny areas (face, crutch, gut, boobs, butt, occasionally shin and stubbed toes) shines and stubbed toes somehow funny (Dodgeball). Also nakedness (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)
 
Frat Humor – sexist jokes, sophomoric, juvenile, pranks, physical humor, and drinking humor. Watch the one good frat movie every decade and there it is (Old School or Animal House). Or read all definitions above
 
Snark - fancy way to say rude (internet trolls)
 
Cheap laugh - joke about sex, a swear word, or a joke given an amazing setup and a person makes a joke (if you need help with this one, then you are helpless)
 
Right mood - True trick to being funny get people in the mood to laugh, then make anything sound like a joke and they will laugh (Watch standup that is not funny, but people are laughing)
 
highbrow – humor that sounds smart, but makes 2 out of 100 laugh (Woody Allen)
 
Dad jokes – corny jokes (although, corny seems to tame of a word) which generate pity laughs or a person smacking their forehead in disgust (Listen to any father try to tell a joke. Women get a pregnancy glow. Men tell bad jokes.)